Wilson and Alroy's Record Reviews We listen to the lousy records so you won't have to.

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Wilson's Top 20 Lists

I got sick of everybody writing in to complain about my previous favorite artists lists, so I've come up with all-new categories that will hopefully result in less mail along the lines of "How could you ignore Pete Townshend? He's really great!"

Top 20 Lamest List Categories

  1. Most Mediocre Producers
  2. Songs Where The Imitating Artist Excelled The Imitated One
  3. Top 5 Songs About James Taylor
  4. Great Songs On Lousy Albums
  5. Lousy Songs On Great Albums
  6. Most Colossally Ill-Conceived Cover Versions
  7. Best Songs Promoting Polyamory
  8. Best Songs From The Perspective Of A Homicidal Maniac
  9. Best Ripoffs of "Good Times"
  10. Artists Everyone Raves About But No One Actually Listens To
  11. Best Non-LP B-Sides
  12. Most Clueless Songs About Prostitutes
  13. Best Songs About Prostitutes

10 Most Mediocre Producers

"Mediocre" doesn't mean "worst."
  1. Ron "Have Mercy" Kersey
  2. Ric Wake
  3. Jack Gold
  4. Mike Mainieri
  5. Blues Traveler
  6. Chubb Rock
  7. Ani DiFranco
  8. Jerry Knight and Aaron Zigman
  9. David Wolfert
  10. John Church

Top 5 Songs Where The Imitating Artist Excelled The Imitated One

  1. Jody Watley, "Lookin' For A New Love" (Janet Jackson)
  2. Prince, "3 Chains O' Gold" (Queen)
  3. Stevie Wonder, "Master Blaster (Jammin')" (Bob Marley)
  4. The Beatles, "Yer Blues" (Blues Breakers)
  5. Funkadelic's Mike Hampton, "Maggotbrain" (Funkadelic's Eddie Hazel)

Top 5 Songs About James Taylor

  1. Joni Mitchell, "See You Sometime"
  2. Carly Simon, "We Have No Secrets"
  3. Joni Mitchell, "Just Like This Train"
  4. Carly Simon, "Jesse"
  5. James Taylor, "That's Why I'm Here"

Great Songs On Lousy Albums

  1. Sheena Easton, "Fire And Rain"
  2. Chic, "You Are Beautiful"
  3. Godmoma, "Be All You Can Be"
  4. Kool & The Gang, "Get Down On It"
  5. Gwen Guthrie, "Joy Riders"
  6. The Time, "Skillet"
  7. Paula Abdul, "Straight Up"
  8. Mayte, "Ain't No Place Like U"

Lousy Songs On Great Albums

  1. Mothers Of Invention, "The Chrome-Plated Megaphone Of Destiny"
  2. Beatles, "Good Night"
  3. Derek And The Dominos, "Thorn Tree In The Garden"
  4. Rolling Stones, "You Gotta Move"
  5. Jimi Hendrix Experience, "May This Be Love"
  6. Public Enemy, "She Watch Channel Zero"
  7. Neil Young, "Oh Lonesome Me"

Most Colosally Ill-Conceived Covers

  1. Isaac Hayes & Millie Jackson, "Feels Like The First Time"
  2. Rickie Lee Jones, "Up From The Skies"
  3. Carly Simon, "I Got It Bad (And That Ain't Good)"
  4. Vanilla Fudge, "She's Not There"
  5. Aretha Franklin, "Eleanor Rigby" ("My name is Eleanor Rigby," she sings, as if not realizing that she'll die before the song is over.)
  6. Ray Charles, "How Deep Is The Ocean" (you have to hear Ray's falsetto to believe it)
  7. Supremes & Temptations, "The Weight"
  8. Deep Purple, "River Deep - Mountain High"
  9. Joni Mitchell, "A Case Of You" (special award for worst reinterpretation of own song)
  10. Le Tigre, "I'm So Excited"

Best Songs Promoting Polyamory

  1. Isaac Hayes, "Moonlight Lovin' (Menage Á Trois)"
  2. Chef, "Simultaneous"
  3. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, "Triad"
  4. Rick James, "1, 2, 3 (U, Her & Me)"

Best Songs From The Perspective Of A Homicidal Maniac

  1. The Rolling Stones, "Midnight Rambler"
  2. Gravediggaz, "Diary Of A Madman"
  3. Boss, "I Don't Give A Fuck"
  4. AC/DC, "Night Prowler"

Best Ripoffs of "Good Times"

  1. Sugarhill Gang, "Rapper's Delight"
  2. Gary Byrd, "The Crown"
  3. René & Àngela, "I Love You More"
  4. Queen, "Another One Bites The Dust"

Artists Everyone Raves About But No One Actually Listens To

  1. Robert Johnson
  2. The Sex Pistols
  3. Patti Smith
  4. Billie Holiday
  5. Velvet Underground

Best Non-LP B-Sides

(I feel like I'm forgetting a couple of great ones...)
  1. Sly And The Family Stone, "Everybody Is A Star"
  2. Prince, "She's Always In My Hair"
  3. The Beatles, "I'll Get You"
  4. Prince And The Revolution, "Erotic City"
  5. The Beatles, "Day Tripper"
  6. The Jimi Hendrix Experience, "51st Anniversary"
  7. The Beatles, "Old Brown Shoe"
  8. The Gap Band, "Jam The Motha (Munchkin Mix)"
  9. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, "Find The Cost Of Freedom"
  10. Fleetwood Mac, "Silver Springs"
  11. Elton John, "Bad Side Of The Moon"
  12. LL Cool J, "Jack The Ripper"

Most Clueless Songs About Prostitutes

(Again, I think I'm missing some egregious ones...)
  1. Elton John, "Island Girl"
  2. AC/DC, "What Do You Do For Money Honey?"
  3. Elton John, "Japanese Hands"
  4. Elton John, "Sweet Painted Lady"
  5. Digital Underground, "Good Thing We're Rappin'"
  6. Janis Ian, "Pro Girl"
  7. ZZ Top, "Mexican Blackbird" (The lyrics to "La Grange" are probably worse, but I can't figure them out.)
  8. Isaac Hayes, "Lady Of The Night"
  9. Donna Summer, "Bad Girls"
  10. Rick James, "P.I.M.P. The S.I.M.P."

Best Songs About Prostitutes

  1. Funkadelic, "Cosmic Slop"
  2. Silvio Rodríguez, "Flores Nocturnas"
  3. The Police, "Roxanne"
  4. Funkadelic, "Trash A-Go-Go"






























Okay, here are my old lists:

10 Favorite Composers

  1. Stevie Wonder
  2. Paul McCartney
  3. Thelonious Monk
  4. Juan Formell
  5. Prince
  6. John Lennon
  7. Jimi Hendrix
  8. Elton John
  9. John Coltrane
  10. Juan Luis Guerra

10 Favorite Lyricists

  1. Joni Mitchell
  2. Bob Dylan
  3. Phil Ochs
  4. Chuck D.
  5. Silvio Rodriguez
  6. Curtis Mayfield
  7. Salt
  8. Janis Ian
  9. John Lennon
  10. KRS-One

10 Favorite Producers

  1. Stevie Wonder
  2. George Martin
  3. George Clinton
  4. Prince
  5. The RZA
  6. José Luis Cortés
  7. Willie Colón
  8. Brian Holland and Lamont Dozier
  9. Maurice White
  10. Ashford & Simpson

10 Favorite Singers

  1. Stevie Wonder
  2. Prince
  3. Ray Charles
  4. Mariah Carey
  5. India
  6. Joni Mitchell
  7. Diana Ross
  8. Chaka Khan
  9. Janis Joplin
  10. Paul McCartney/Little Richard

10 Favorite Lead Guitarists

  1. Jimi Hendrix
  2. Frank Zappa
  3. Jeff Beck
  4. Prince
  5. Carlos Santana
  6. Eric Clapton
  7. Neil Young
  8. Keith Richards for Beggar's Banquet alone
  9. Buckethead
  10. Michael Armott

10 Favorite Rhythm/Acoustic Guitarists

  1. Jimi Hendrix
  2. Keith Richards
  3. James Hetfield
  4. Mike "Gunface" McKenzie
  5. Al McKay
  6. Prince
  7. Malcolm Young
  8. Vernon Reid
  9. Joni Mitchell
  10. Silvio Rodriguez

10 Favorite Bass Players

  1. Bootsy Collins
  2. James Jamerson
  3. Larry Graham
  4. Paul McCartney
  5. Feliciano Arango
  6. Prince
  7. Les Claypool
  8. Salvador Cuevas
  9. Skeet Curtis
  10. Jaco Pastorius

10 Favorite Keyboard Players

  1. Eddie Palmieri
  2. Thelonious Monk
  3. McCoy Tyner
  4. Herbie Hancock
  5. Stevie Wonder
  6. Bernie Worrell
  7. Tori Amos
  8. Patrice Rushen
  9. Aretha Franklin
  10. Paul McCartney

10 Favorite Drummers

  1. Elvin Jones
  2. Stevie Wonder
  3. Mitch Mitchell
  4. Changuito
  5. Benny Benjamin
  6. Tony Williams
  7. Stewart Copeland
  8. Chris Adler
  9. Philly Joe Jones
  10. Jerome Brailey

Favorites On Other Instruments

Flute: José Luis Cortés
Harmonica: Stevie Wonder
Kalimba: Maurice White
Soprano Sax: John Coltrane
Alto Sax: Maceo Parker
Tenor Sax: John Coltrane
Trombone: Willie Colón
Trumpet: Miles Davis

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